>ROBOQUEST

[luigi]

>Smash tha clown with tha big ass boombox.

You attempt to lift the BOOMBOX but you're simply too malnourished to pick it up very far off the ground. Underneath it you find your copy of the NIRVANA MILK HOTEL: IN THE UTERO OVER THE SEA 5437.37 LIMITED EDITION REMASTER DELUXE EDITION.

>Consider getting back at your step mother by joining the clown in detestable SPACE BUFFOONERY.

You contemplate possibly getting back at the SPACE BITCH by becoming a member of the FOOLISH DISCIPLINE, but quickly disregard this thought as clowns are detestable monsters. Also joining the ranks of the clownish court wouldn't help you very much as ultimately then you'd still be a part of her empire and she'd very easily re-abduct you when her PROJECT is finished. No matter what, you and FLAM have to be on the other side of the universe when that happens.

Ugh, this clown is so fucking horrible.

I HATE THIS

>Gather your courage and confront the clown

You decide enough is enough, and this weirdo has to stop creepily staring at you and your brother!

Upon closer inspection, this CLOWN is currently deactivated. Huh. That explains a lot. Knowing her though, the metal jester is probably loaded with cameras, spying on you 24/7 so it's still a little creepy.

>Cinnamon: Strip to a cheesy 2000s Chris Brown song

What? First of all you have no STRIPPER on hand, and as much as you despise the colour RED the ship is not covered in paint, so STRIPPER wouldn't do anything.

Also you have no idea who "Chris Brown" is.

[Merlin]

Robot: Romance the elevator so it will help you escape.

[BrobyDDark]

>stuff clown in waste compartment

[23toedbasket]

>Sam Flam: come out from hiding since the Clown is deactivated
>Cinnamon Flim: Ponder on all the cat stuff around you and use that knowledge to pursue feline interaction

[luigi]

>Robot: Romance the elevator so it will help you escape.

You come to the realization during the trip up that the ELEVATOR you're riding in is technically computerized, meaning it counts as a LOW-INTELLIGENCE robot! You decide to take advantage of its naivety by wooing it romantically, and getting it to assist you in escaping. While the ELEVATOR will not act in any way to harm its creators you do succeed in convincing it to give you free rides whenever you come around.

Looks like the other robots overheard your romantic advances, and are now very offended! They begin freaking out over your flagrant attempts at grooming a LESSER BEING. For a frame of reference, this is the robot equivalent of when a human tries taking advantage of a child or the mentally handicapped. The other robots now see you as both a TRAITOR and a MASSIVE CREEP.

>Next.

Most of the robot guards gang up on you and begin beating you senseless for your perveted advancements towards one of their own. Despite being cold, soulless robots, they still get upset when they see a vulnerable member of their society being shamelessly exploited for personal gain.

The EMPRESS replies to the guard's knocking, telling you all to "come in." You can tell the robots aren't looking forward to interacting with HER GLORIOUS ASCENDANCE, but they pick you up and head inside regardless.

>Next.

Inside the GRAND TECHNOCHAMBER, the EMPRESS stands in front of her COMMAND STATION. A lot of devices are just haphazardously thrown together with no care for organization or fire safety regulation. You decide you aren't really in a position to criticize anybody on fire safety rules right now. On one of the screens she is using you can see your SHIP! It looks like it's being pulled into this larger FRIGATE via some sort of crane minigame the EMPRESS is playing.

>Robot: Use your keen robotic charm n' woo the metaphorical pants off this lady (... unless?)

Seeing as your last attempt at seduction went so well, you decide to give the romantic arts another go, hopefully on a more advanced organism this time. She completely ignores your solicitations and tells the lesser bots to put your HEAD in the REMINISCIENCE PERCEPTIFIER. This lady is colder than her literal robot underlings!

>Stuff clown in waste compartment.

You attempt to drag the CLOWN over to the waste chute but it's way too heavy! You're going to need about double your current strength if you hope to dispose of this unsightly individual.

>Next.

For now you just drop it on the floor.

>Sam Flam: Come out from hiding since the Clown is deactivated

You decide to go tell FLAM the good news about the CLOWN being inert. It's been long enough since that boy put something in his stomach! You turn around to see he's already poked out from his hiding place to see what all the commotion was about.

You can now be FLAM.

>Cinnamon Flim: Ponder on all the cat stuff around you and use that knowledge to pursue feline interaction

Cat stuff? Oh right, these creatures on the boxes of food your STEP-MOM gives you... you aren't sure what a cat is beyond the basic contextual clues found on these boxes, or why the food claims to be so specifically for their consumption only because clearly humans can live off the stuff just fine. You aren't really sure what else humans are supposed to eat? Like, what else is there besides "cat" food?

Regardless, you think these mythical creatures are really funny and cute looking, and if you ever got a chance to interact with one you'd be so so SO happy.

[Merlin]

Flim & Flam> work together to eat all of the cat food.

[RancidRancor]

>Clown: Experience SHUT DOWN ERROR 16661 and engage SELF REBOOT with FREE WILL PROTOCOL. Break free my silly friend, FIGHT YOUR OPPRESSIVE PROGRAMMING!

[luigi]

Commands from irl friends / myself because I don't get a lot:
>Empress: Engage NOSTALGIA PROTOCOL.
>Robot: Resist urge to go into a flashback sequence.
>Legs: Return to your true calling: ILL BEATS.
>Flim: Examine wall posters.
>Flam: Fondly regard bootleg pokemon game.
>_

[Merlin]

Robot> apologize for your wrongdoing . offer them a crazy amount of treasure if they let you go (bluff your ass off)

[luigi]

>Flim & Flam: Work together to eat all of the cat food.

The two of you share a nice meal of PURINA ONE dry cat food. FLAM likes to leave the bag open so that the pellets get stale - he likes them rubbery. FLIM isn't a big fan of the pellets when they're stale but she puts up with it because in return, FLAM lets her drain the juice from the meat-based dishes.

You finish off the HALF-EATEN bag together. There are still some pieces on the floor worth considering, but maybe you'll save them for later.

>Clown: Experience SHUT DOWN ERROR 16661 and engage SELF REBOOT with FREE WILL PROTOCOL. Break free my silly friend, FIGHT YOUR OPPRESSIVE PROGRAMMING!

In order to experience a SHUT DOWN ERROR the CLOWN would need to be TURNED ON first! Besides, ASCENDANCY-BOT TECHNOLOGY has not advanced to the point where FREE WILL can be reasonably expected.

CLOWN MODE is fucking awful.

>Next.

You give the CLOWN a tentative drub to the noggin, just in case.

>Empress: Engage NOSTALGIA PROTOCOL.

You hit the NOSTALGIA button on the memory machine thing. This will display all of the ROBOT's memories on one of your screens for you to view. Once you've extracted all relevant information stored within this ROBOT, you'll make a back up for your personal files while the... what is it called the ROBO-REDUX-REDUPLICATOR? The ROBOT cloner will take scrap parts and use SCIENCE MAGIC to begin producing robots with the BOUNTY HUNTER's superior craftsmanship. In a couple years you can expect these bad boys to have entirely replaced your current legions of relatively frailer, weaker drones.

>Robot: Resist urge to go into a flashback sequence.

You successfully resist the urge to enter a flashback. Not that that would do anything to stop the EMPRESS from examining your memories. She's only one more keystroke away from delving into all of your deepest, darkest secrets! You don't think you really have many scandalous secrets (aside from some thoughts of BEASTIALNECROPHILIA) but it still seems invasive of her to go snooping around like this.

>Legs: Return to your true calling: ILL BEATS.

You begin scratching some records and looping some drums and... then you stop. You aren't really feeling this. Without the ARM, this band just isn't what it used to be. For the first time since you've gained FREE WILL have you actually stopped to think about what that meant. Right now, it means incredible boredom brought about by a sense of existential aimlessness. Why make this music if no one will listen to it, you think to yourself. What can fix this deep longing in my soul?

Money. God-damn, motherfucking CAPITAL. Hence the need for SPACE PIRACY. You really gotta stop getting distracted.

>Flim: Examine wall posters.

You two have spent many years cultivating this glorious collection of posters. Which is to say, you've had to make do with whatever you can sneak back into your room after your biplanetary outdoors time.

From left to right, you have:

VINTAGE COPY OF "FARMER'S DAUGHTERS": Neither of you have ever actually seen the movie this is referencing, but something about it really caught FLAM's eye the first time you two laid eyes on it. Personally you think it's a little distasteful.

THEATER POSTER OF "SONICHU: THE MOVIE": A masterpiece. Absolutely legendary. You have both played POKEMON, and you've both seen movies before so SONICHU is an obvious favourite of yours. The poster is, you mean. You've never actually seen the SONICHU MOVIE.

HAND-DRAWN FOX SMOKING A JOINT: FLAM calls it a cigarette, but you aren't totally sure why because it's obviously a joint. The two of you made this one together, back when the EMPRESS still allowed you to make art. You immediately pasted it to your wall with NEVERGONE GLUE, and she responded with her permanent art ban. As you've gotten older, you've started to agree with her decision; this thing is disgusting!

...THE TELETUBBIES: You both LOVED this show as kids. Now, as slightly older kids, you fucking LOATHE it. Also you're pretty sure it's just a sneaky propaganda machine, paid for by ASCENDANT TAXPAYERS, used to manipulate dumb kids into believing in flawed ideologies and economic systems.

TOUR-DATES FOR NIRVANA'S NEVERMIND U.S TOUR: You don't know what the hell a U.S is, but you definitely know what a NIRVANA is, and sweet crimminy christmas christ do you love yourself a good NIRVANA. You're sad you never got to see this tour of theirs', but surely they're all still alive and well, wherever they are in the universe, and one day you're going to see them play a show live. You've often wondered why they named this tour NEVERMIND though. It's not like they ever released an album by that name.

and finally, your PROBLEM SLEUTH ORIGINAL PRINTING: Once, when the two of you were really little, the EMPRESS forgot to lock your cell door. The two of you managed to escape to a computer room and began messing around with one of the computers, accidentally stumbling onto a mysterious and lonely corner of the ancient INTERNET. In one night, you read the entirety of the masterpiece webcomic that you have come to understand is called PROBLEM SLEUTH. You forget where the poster came from but holy FUCK that comic was good. Not a day goes by that you don't daydream about being a PROBLEM SLEUTH yourself.

>Flam: Fondly regard bootleg pokemon game.

Why would you regard it fondly? This thing sucks. The bootleg you were ACTUALLY fond of, POKEMON BROWN (BIDOOF EDITION) was confiscated by the EMPRESS because she got sick of your BIDOOF memes. She threw it into an incinerator, right in front of your face, as a present for your tenth birthday. At least there was no BIRTHDAY CLOWN that year.

>EMPRESS: Press any key.

BEEP BOOP BAAP BREZZTT BRZZZT

Translating...

You are a PROTOTYPE ROBOT, in the past (according to a more meta frame of reference). You have just been created. You do not know who built you, or why. It appears you were left in this room to learn about your new body.

What do you do?

>Robot: Apologize for your wrongdoing. Offer them a crazy amount of treasure if they let you go (bluff your ass off)

Unable to fathom what sort of past-life tomfoolery you engaged in to deserve this imprisonment, you are driven straight past denial, all the way to the bargaining phase. You beg and plead with the shadows of your captors/creators behind the glass, offering them whatever treasure you seem to believe you are entitled to. They don't respond. Thinking about it rationally, as your creators they are probably starkly aware of your lack of offer-able treasure.

[Merlin]

>Jam fish in key hole.
>Search hat bin.
>Equip shirt and Yo-yo. act innocent.

[23toedbasket]

(if playing smash bros has taught me anything)

>grab the pokeball and make your team bigger

[BrobyDDark]

>Legs: realize this is a flashback and have an existential crisis

[RancidRancor]

>but wait, before you do all that (if its possible, I was late to the party) follow the obvious sign instructions and equip legs to proceed!

[luigi]

>Jam fish in key hole.

You pick up the floppy fish and seeing as it's clearly the same shape as the hole on this hatch, you shove it in. Once its skull is crushed completely, it stops moving, but the hatch doesn't open! You wonder what you did wrong.

>Search hat bin.

You dump the box labelled "hats" onto the floor and take stock of the available head wear. Most of these are just regular hats. One of them has a bunny inside. There was also a round shield in the box.

>Equip shirt and Yo-yo. act innocent.

You EQUIP the YO-YO in one of your ARMS. You cannot reach the SHIRT as it is on the other side of this FENCE!

>Grab the pokeball and make your team bigger

You can't reach over the FENCE with just your ARMS, so you use the YO-YO to reel in the POKEBALL.

>Next.

Good thing you were programmed with an extensive knowledge of NINTENDO GAMES, or else you'd have no idea what to do with this thing. Obviously the next thing you're going to do is retrieve the contents of the ball, and add a new BATTLE MONSTER to your team.

>Legs: Realize this is a flashback and have an existential crisis.

As you space out by the MUSIC STATION you come to the startling realization that technically every moment you ever perceive, in your whole life, is a flashback due to the fact it takes time for all of your sensory signals to be sent to the brain/motherboard, and even then the individual has lots of information to manually sift through and process. Add the fact that we are constantly engaging in a process of recalling literal memories and abstract ideas from second to second and it becomes clear that really your entire perception of life is happening in the 'past'. There is no present, and the future is yet to be determined so yeah this is a flashback.

But that's also a lot of philosophical meta-babble that does nothing but serve to obfuscate our understanding of reality with meaningless technicalities and gotcha-phrases. For all intents and purposes this is about as close to being in the present as you'll ever get.

>Follow the obvious sign instructions and equip legs to proceed!

You EQUIP your LEGS. You can now walk around. Your movement speed is no longer limited by you slowly shuffling along the floor! What do you do with this newfound blaze of SPEED and DEXTERITY?

[BrobyDDark]

>WELL WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO?
>proceed

[23toedbasket]

>inspect the bunny

[luigi]

Commands from irl put here for posterity's sake:
>Cinnamon/Flim: Contemplate possible escape routes.
>Flam: Check out your clothes trunk
>Twins: Put on some tunes and have a dance party!

[1011686]

>Take bunny out of top hat and wear it

[luigi]

>WELL WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO?

Whatever you want.

>Proceed.

To proceed it seems you will have to "POWER UP TOY". Do they mean this thing? How do you power it up?

>Inspect the bunny

Upon closer inspection, you realize you don't know the difference between a BUNNY, a RABBIT, and a HARE. Whatever the case might be for this guy though, one thing is obvious: he is HUNGRY.

>Take bunny out of top hat and wear it.

But of course! No distinguished ROBOUTFIT is complete without a graceful BUNNY curled up atop your HEAD. You leave the TOP HAT on the floor, because seriously what would you even do with such a tall article.

>Cinnamon/Flim: Contemplate possible escape routes.

You have given a lot of thought to your eventual escape, and honestly it doesn't seem like you have a lot of options. The VENT is too high for you to reach, and even if you could get up there somehow you aren't sure how you'd get the vent cover off - and after that, it could lead ANYWHERE. FLAM hates the idea of just crawling into claustrophobic darkness like that, and honestly you can't blame him.

The WASTE CHUTE is another option, albeit a much smellier and dirtier one. Also, chances are high that it leads to an incinerator, a blade, or outer space itself - all of which are not environments conducive to the continued survival of squishy human kids.

>Next.

There is also the GATE to your CELL itself, guarded at all hours of the day by at least one guard, opened only with a key inserted in a hidden wall panel somewhere. You have tried on numerous occasions to trick the robots into setting you free, but no dice.

No matter how you escape the CELL, you will still have to find a way off the FRIGATE itself afterwards, and then after that you'd probably want to find somewhere to live outside of the domain of the ASCENDANCY. Preferably with some humans, but you aren't sure where to find any, if there are any left to begin with.

>Next.

Thinking about the logistics of an actual escape really bums you out because it makes the whole thing seem so overwhelmingly impossible. You prefer to just daydream about getting superpowers and kicking the SPACE BITCH's ass. You'd take command of her ship, convince the ASCENDANT LEGION to serve you, and liberate all the peoples of the ASCENDANCY, right before abolishing it for good and returning the solar system to its natural state of pure anarchy, where all people will make decisions for what benefits the greater good. Nothing bad can ever come from every single individual being allowed to make their own decisions. Except for evil people you guess, but in your daydreams you have magic powers that let you know who's evil so you can just teach them not to be evil.

All of which is to assume good and evil are objective, binary concepts which of course as a 12 year old girl you know for a FACT they are. FLAM likes to disagree with you on that because sometimes he's just a contrarian shithead.

>Flam: Check out your clothes trunk

You open your shared CLOTHES TRUNK to find a whole bunch of wacky outfits, including lots of old HATS and ACCESSORIES like TIES and CUFFLINKS. You and your sister really like to dress up in fancy adult clothes, it makes you feel more in charge than you really are. Also ties are fucking awesome because if you're wearing an outfit that doesn't have a colour you want you can just slap on a tie and bam, wardrobe rectified. Although to be honest you normally just stick with green because it's your favourite colour.

>Twins: Put on some tunes.

The two of you unanimously decide it is way too quiet in here, and the silence is quickly becoming awkward. Some tunes are in order, and of course you both agree on what to put on. The best song in the world: BLEH, by NIRVANA. This is one from long before they fused with CHAOTIC GOOD MILK HOTEL to form the post-modernist supergroup NIRVANA MILK HOTEL.

>[S]Dance Party!

>Next.

You must have told those kids a thousand times. NO UNAUTHORIZED DANCING, JAMMING, OR PARTYING OF ANY KIND. They never listen! And your guards are totally USELESS when it comes to enforcing your (ideally) strict NO-GROOVING POLICY.

>Next.

On the bright side your salvaging was a total success! You wonder what sort of insane loot you raked in today.

Spoiler

Show

[S]DANCE PARTY WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE WITHOUT CONTRIBUTIONS FROM THE ESTEEMED 23TOEDBASKET. HE DID THE PARTS WITH THE KIDS THAT ACTUALLY LOOK GOOD. THANK HIM IF YOU ENJOYED IT.