Brynjolf, VIKING LAD EXTRAORDINAIRE!

[RancidRancor]

>ignore previous suggestion due to spelling being subjective.
objective complete: expose grammarnazis hidden within our society viz a viz HUNTERS on amazon prime

[luigi]

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As per RR's command I guess my last one's invalid so

>Bryn: What happened to your helmet?

[Merlin]

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As per RR's command I guess my last one's invalid so

>Bryn: What happened to your helmet?

you hear the words "Bryn, what happened to your helmet?" quietly being uttered in the back of your mind. that is strange since Bryn has been wearing his helmet this whole time.

>check tha daemon for plot heavy loot or smth to further tha demonic subplot

you have the urge to check the daemon for DOPE LOOT. whats wrong with you? everyone knows daemons dont have pockets. all you can get out of this sonofabitch, other than the satisfaction of killing him of course, is a weapon or 2.

>Ignore all further inputs from RancidRancor until he stops pretending he doesn't know how to spell.

okay. what the fuck is going on? who is this "Rancid" "Rancor" guy and why is he pretending he cant spell? spelling is a hard skill! good spellers are a hot commodity around here! DONT SELL YOURSELF SHORT!!

>ignore previous suggestion due to spelling being subjective.
objective complete: expose grammarnazis hidden within our society viz a viz HUNTERS on amazon prime

what are you thinking you brain-dead troglodyte? spelling is clearly not subjective there are rules and shit!
who is amazon prime? whats a grammarnazi?
not important, you cant expose anyone in a society you haven't established yet. that comes later... after the pillaging.
(Bryn is furious with confusion)
Brynjolf: thats it, you have lost your head, im taking control of this situation!
POTENT FUCKING VIKING RAGE ACTIVATED!

>Brynjolf: cover yourself in warpaint using the Daemon's blood screaming pagan sacraments to your primordial forest gods

it would seem that the POTENT FUCKING VIKING RAGE has a personality of its own. Brynjolf, the name sounds familiar but you cant put you finger on where you have heard it before, no time for such thoughts now! it looks like he is just smearing corrosive daemon blood all over YOUR body! so much for taking control of the situation.
Brynjolf has authority over your body, you are helpless to stop him. this is going to hurt in the morning.

>Bryn: pick up dagger and spear

as quickly as he came, Brynjolf is gone, the rage subsides and you tentatively wait for the pain of the burns, but it dose not come. then the exhaustion hits you. wow what an ordeal, you will probably have to deal with that at some point... but how? you cant think right now you are too tired. you decide to take the daemons dagger and his spear, the spear is much too big for you but god damn it you are up to the challenge.
"you can never have too many knives" the familiar words of you old Jarl ring through your head. wise man, died when he rolled over in his sleep right onto a blade. tragic. you take a moment of silence to honor the old Jarl but a moment is all you have, this daemon and Brynjolf (also probably a daemon) have cost you time.

Bryn stumbles to his feet and falls back into the familiar rhythm of an easy march.

[luigi]

>Okay

[Merlin]

>Okay

you wake up in another "swirling dream sequence", it feels like you are falling and a voice is calling to you from afar. it sounds like that strange old man, Merlin was it? you stop falling, and everything is clear for a moment
Merlin : "Bryn, i saw you were exhausted. that, and an "uninspired comment" gave me the opportunity to come talk to you. there has been a change of plan my boy, the trident was moved from the dungeon, to the kings study. it looks as though they have realized the power they posses. what i need from you is to take that stone in your pocket and sneak it into the study, hide it well and i will take care of the rest. wake up now."
before you can process what Merlin said you are falling again and the celerity slips away, you eyes open...

you dont remember exactly where, or when you fell asleep, but there is a feeling in your gut that it wasn't here. you woke up just within the tree line, before you stands the castle Merlin wanted you to infiltrate. they have a few farms. it is really nothing to write home about, literally, no one would want to pillage this place. so why is Merlin so interested? there is even a welcome sign above the door, they are probably nice. well you cant concern yourself with that now, you have a job to do. besides Merlin seems like a smart and powerful fellow so you should probably do what he says.

[23toedbasket]

> Bryn: take a diplomatic approach
>Brynjolf: take a "diplomatic" approach

[RancidRancor]

>Demonic subplot: Develop intricately and with lots of dramatic intrigue behind tha scenes

[luigi]

>Bryn: Give the helmet to somebody more diplomatic to continue the conversation with Uno.

[Merlin]

>Bryn: Give the helmet to somebody more diplomatic to continue the conversation with Uno.

this is it, your first grand journey. you have a mysterious magical patron who has sent you on a quest. you look at your feet. the path is thick with opportunity, and a rock, it looks pretty pointy and if you fell you could hurt yourself. but you are on a roll, nothing can stop you now. as you take your first step into your new life of grand adventure. "HUH? where'd this come from?" a voice comes out of nowhere like it was shouted into your ear. you are startled and put your foot down in a patch of loose mud. you slip into an easy split, as, you are classically trained and know that it is imperative to stay limber for such situations.
However. no amount of flexibility could prepare you for the sharp rock that stabbed you in the balls.

you assume the fetal position and manage to say "so YOU'RE the guy in my head". makes sense he would show up now, he always seems to be around when things arent going quite right. "GAH! who said that?" says the guy in your head. it is strange that he would be startled, he is in your head after all. but the pain of the jagged shard of stone that now pins your scrotum to your taint is too much to bear.

you are going to need a minute.

[luigi]

>Examine torn scrotum

[23toedbasket]

>teach that stupid fucking rock a LESSON harsh enough that it learns its fucking lesson fuck YOU ROCK STUPID WHY DONT YOU GET BRAIN-ER-Y-ER you stupid dumb DUMB STUPID! YEAH. YEAH! Cant believe nobody ever learnt... you... better! Well, I'm gonna GET YOU KNOWING REAL GOOD get ready. Are you ready? ARE YOU FUCKING READY?? FUCK! YOU FUCKING BETTER BE! dumb as a UNSMART fucking... uh... what do you call it.... UH. FUCK! WHATEVER! JUST! UGH WHOEVER MADE A ROCK SO FUCKING DUMB. I CANT BELIEVE IT. I CANT FUCKING. GOD. MY BALLS! MY GLORIOUS BALLS! HOW ABOUT I STAB YOUR BALLS!

Tl:dr--> potent fucking viking rage

[misery]

kiss your ballsack so it feels better

[Merlin]

>Examine torn scrotum

upon examination, your scrotum is in rough shape. there is a rather sizable shard of stone which, luckily for you, was way off that 7/10 split. went between the boys and pinned the sack right to the... runway. this is a pickel. actually its a rock in your sack but those two problems always had very similar solutions in your experience.

>teach that stupid fucking rock a LESSON harsh enough that it learns its fucking lesson fuck YOU ROCK STUPID WHY DONT YOU GET BRAIN-ER-Y-ER you stupid dumb DUMB STUPID! YEAH. YEAH! Cant believe nobody ever learnt... you... better! Well, I'm gonna GET YOU KNOWING REAL GOOD get ready. Are you ready? ARE YOU FUCKING READY?? FUCK! YOU FUCKING BETTER BE! dumb as a UNSMART fucking... uh... what do you call it.... UH. FUCK! WHATEVER! JUST! UGH WHOEVER MADE A ROCK SO FUCKING DUMB. I CANT BELIEVE IT. I CANT FUCKING. GOD. MY BALLS! MY GLORIOUS BALLS! HOW ABOUT I STAB YOUR BALLS!

Tl:dr--> potent fucking viking rage

just like when dealing with the wily pickle, it is best to lose your temper and become unpredictable. this will render the pickle, or the rock in your sack, helpless with uncertainty and petrified with fear. you begin yelling mean things and profanities at the rock and you can feel your rage bubbling to the surface. you feel Brynjolf's icy hands wrap around your spine, eager to take his body for another spin.
then the pain of ripping a stone stake from betwixt your loins brings you back to your seances, could you imagine if you had done something as silly as using your POTENT FUCKING VIKING RAGE on a lifeless rock. Brynjolf would probably have been angry with you for wasting his time on something he cant kill.
Man, that was a lot of angry thoughts all at once, you get the feeling that Brynjolf isn't a very good person like you are.

kiss your ballsack so it feels better

you bend over all the way and give your ruptured sack a few deliberate, passionate kisses, in the hopes that the increased attention and love will help with the throbbing in your sack. it dosent, not even a little bit, your nuts still feel like they have been impaled. you are probably going to have to wide stance walk this one off. dont forget you're on a quest, and the fellow in your head has started a dialogue with you. im sure he will understand the "radio silence" on your end once he hears about the rock.

[luigi]

>ask the fellow in your head for advice on dealing with a torn scrote

[23toedbasket]

>Go to the castle and ask for help maybe they've got some bomb balls balm

[Merlin]

>Go to the castle and ask for help maybe they've got some bomb balls balm

well you're going to need some medical supplies to deal with this punctured scrotum, perhaps that castle will be able to help you out. you start to walk to the castle looking a little bow legged. by the time you reach the first farm your balls are really swollen and have started to bleed all over the road, a passing stranger asks if its your time of the month. it is.

>ask the fellow in your head for advice on dealing with a torn scrote

you decide to take a rest and lean on the fence that encloses the farm, the grass is soft on your feet, and now that you arent walking your ball pain has subsided to an agonizing throb but you are still bleeding profusely. you look out over the field of wheat, and a thought pops into your head, why are these idiots farming wheat? dont they know the most consistent, efficient and satisfying crop is plunder? that thought slips away, and whats this? another thought! two in one day you should be proud. if there is a guy in your head who you can talk to, maybe he has handled a situation like this before. maybe he can help. how did this work last time? you start to think what you want to say really hard "Brynjolf, i have found myself in a bit of a predicament, i was stabbed. in the balls, its really bad and im bleeding out, if you can give me any advice to keep that from happening i would really appreciate it. i probably dont need to remind you that we share a body but im going to. if i die so do you"...

[luigi]

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This is the funniest fucking thing I've ever read

>If your split personality doesn't answer, consult the helmet.

[RancidRancor]

>Take some of that sweet, sweet, absorbent, wheat and shove it up your grundle to staunch the blood
> continue on your way to the castle.

[Merlin]

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This is the funniest fucking thing I've ever read

>If your split personality doesn't answer, consult the helmet.

well that guy in your head has really let you down. eureka! a third idea... whats that thing over my head? was that there before? whatever its probably just a trick of the wheat, back to your idea. what if its not the guy IN your head (even though he is quite real and terrifying) but the guy ON your head. Merlin gave you this helmet, with the kind of power he possesses, it has probably been enchanted so he can communicate in an emergency. well this is an emergency. you close your eyes leaning on the fence and think your message to Merlin really hard, but this time you imagine the message flying out of your head and into the helmet...

>Take some of that sweet, sweet, absorbent, wheat and shove it up your grundle to staunch the blood

you wake up in a dream, you are getting used to this. it is actually a very useful method of communication. you are standing opposite Merlin, across a very long desk, "i apologize for the state of things my boy, i was feeling teal but this is as close as i could get". Merlin clears his throat and you cant help taking the opportunity to chime in, "i knew were listening to my thoughts through the helmet". Merlin stares at you confused at first, but a look of understanding and amusement soon replaces it. "i have a small confession" Merlin says "i am actually listening to your thoughts through the rock in your pocket, i found the helmet when i was traveling in my youth. i figured you had more use for it than i did." you try to say something but the words wont leave your throat. "now, i understand that you find yourself in a bit of a predicament, bleeding out from the loins and all that unsavory nonsense. just grab a handful of the dry wheat from the ground and shove it up your, new hole. it will probably get infected and you may die, but if you get to the castle they will help you for sure. they are genuinely really nice people. now fix that grundle and get back out there solider im not paying you for nothing!" you want to let him know that he wasn't paying you, no point in his payroll people suffering. but you dont have time before everything is black again and you are waking up on the fence... but actually, on the fence. like not stuck between two possible choices and not able to decide. leaning. on a fence.

> continue on your way to the castle.

well Merlin hasn't steered you wrong yet. so you grab a big handful of dry wheat and give it the old heave hoe up into your taint hole. that seems to have stopped the bleeding for now, now you have time to get to the castle. Merlin says they will help you.
you limp off, towards the castle. you are moving slow but at this particular moment you dont fancy yourself in any sort of hurry.

[luigi]

>Shout "DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ANTIBIOTICS!?"