PAX IMAGO'S QUEST FOR FANTROLLS

[trueBug]

Wow! A reader! I am so delighted you’re here. Hello! I am PAX IMAGO, a humble hemimetabolous harlequin. Welcome to my domain.






It’s kind of a blank void right now, but that’s because I haven’t earned the right to create a TRUE AUTHORSPACE yet.

An author is nothing without a story to tell and readers to read it. That means I’m just some random schlub on the Internet right now. Until I’ve shared some of the BIG ADVENTURE I have been working on, I’m stuck here in Whitespaceville.






This would normally be the part where we get into the exposition… but you are my guest here, and I would much rather be a good host before we get started. Do you need a place to sit? Something to eat or drink? Let me draw you up some refreshments and a cozy spot to rest those e-legs. What would you like?

[Aeroplane]

Gimme a beer, a pack of condoms, a big box copy of Duke Nukem 3D, and 28 and a half strippers

[lavendersiren]

a cookies and cream milkshake would be nice

[trueBug]

> Ask and ye shall receive.

Certainly, I would be happy to serve y— hold on what the fuck







What the hell is this? Are you trying to mess with me? What in the king of the sam hill fuck do you think you’re doing, asking me for something like that in a place like this?







Do you think this is some kind of locally-owned game trading post two blocks away from campus? What in God’s holy name is your problem?

No. No! Absolutely not! No collectible gaming paraphernalia for you! If you really want a big box edition of Duke Nukem 3D so badly, haul your ass over to Ebay and get it your own god damned self.







Anyway, here are your strippers. I don’t really understand why you need 28-and-a-half of them. But I am here to serve within reasonable limitations, not judge.







And here are your condoms. I hope they suit you. As per the terms of a certain contract I am under, they are the only brand I can offer in this establishment. Gotta get my sponsorship deals from somewhere.

Now all that’s left to take care of are the actual refreshments. Are there any more requests before I begin?

[Aeroplane]

Yes, I would like to have the joy of a grandfather holding their grandson for the first time, preferably encased in a mason jar, but a Ziploc bag will also do.

[trueBug]

> Obtain refreshments.

Alright, time to get my serve on!







First we have a nice, malty, frothy OATMEAL STOUT fresh off the tap. You did not specify what kind of beer you wanted, so I am giving you one that’s actually good. Don’t come crying back to the bar demanding an IPA, please. I am never going to serve an IPA here. IPAs are sour bullshit for cows who want to drink liquid cud.


And then we have a COOKIES AND CREAM MILKSHAKE. Excellent choice. You can’t ask for a better mix-in than those chocolate sandwich cookies, I would say.







Finally, we need… a mason jar of grandfatherly bliss?

Aw, fuck.







Here’s the thing. The best way to serve up some grandfatherly bliss is to extract it fresh off of the grandfather the very instant he gets to hold that grandson of his for the first time. And I am a stickler for quality. I don’t want to just draw up a cheap imitation of a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

If you really want this, I would have to go out and get it for you.







This is supposed to be Pax Imago’s Quest For Fantrolls, not Pax Imago Goes On Errands. I have a BIG ADVENTURE to start! I really do! I’ve been working on it for months now, you know? And I need to gather a bunch of fantrolls and other fan characters crafted by readers like you to make it work as intended!!

But you are the reader here, and I have to respect the role you play in this story. So you tell me what should happen next here.

Should I COMMENCE MY QUEST FOR FANTROLLS? Or should I GET SIDETRACKED BY SOME BULLSHIT ERRANDS?

[Aeroplane]

ERRANDS! ERRANDS! ERRANDS!

[lavendersiren]

Let's get to teh fantrolls nao

[Hareofhrair]

Now, you seem like a fella of a clownly persuasion, you got that look about ya, so you might be interested in meeting my little pal Popahv here.



And he’d be just tickled lavender to make your acquaintance I’m sure.

But iffin ya feel that’s one clown too many— which is fair! I’m of the opinion there’s no such thing as too many clowns but I recognize I am in the minority in this matter— I also have a deadbeat transient stoner kickin around in the back, stinkin up my linens with skunk weed and playin crass music at all hours a the day and night, could stand to entertain themselves with a more useful occupation. Pick yer poison.

Unless, upon further review, I have entirely misread the situation, in which case, please disregard and go about yon errands.